Monthly Archives: September 2012

Desire and True Will, Acceptance and Confirmation Bias

I’ve played with joining topy.net (which is now http://ain23.com) back a few years, it’s a magical paradigm and organization that developed parallel to chaos magic and has a comparable inspiration in Austin Osman spare and sigil magic especially. To join there was required  a sigil magic spell for what you most authentically want and desire.

That’s what stopped me. I was frightened of what I most authentically want and desire, especially if it might happen. Why? Essentially I, at that point, had been living perhaps just over a lower middle class lifestyle, I had a full time job, an apartment, and a loving boyfriend. And I never did that sigil magic spell because, authentically, I want to work making comics and having creative fun and maybe sexually I desired a person younger, hotter and more supportive than the man I had. Getting what I want meant a lot to lose: I can do comics full time and be impoverished and even be comfortable so poor, I may find a lover that is hotter and more supportive,but one that will love me as much, one that is as much of a peer intellectually?

What I wanted and what I thought I wanted are different things. As it happens, I now am very poor,I have no boyfriend, I work an easy part time job. I am free to work on comics as much as I please.

I had once 1 website, i now have 4, I’m developing an enviable reputation as an authority online. the comic i am developing could blow up and become very popular. So now I am in that uncomfortable position of working toward something, no success and not yet failed.

The hypersigil, arguably, delivered a job in silkscreen design and printing, and an affordable room in Ithaca NY. The job didn’t hire me after a 2 week trial, the room was given to someone else. And the part time job I had before, I have it again and it’s hours have been cut.

So the magic did not work? Ah, but I have confirmation bias – the magic worked! So what other explanation?

The job trained me how to silk screen print, and for the first time, because all my experience has been digital, creating the separation – this is the first time I actually burned a screen, used a squeegee, mixed ink. And that’s likely why I didn’t get the job, they needed a person with more hands on printing experience, not a digital guru.

I have dream of running my own silk screen business, and this experience furthers that. And had I the job, the work was gruelling, not creative, and 40 hours a week -how much time to create comics?

So in that light -Perhaps the magic is working! I need to get my comic done -it may ‘blow up!

Now this sort of confirmation bias, taking a negative circumstance and and rationalizing how it maybe isn’t all that negative. Religious people do it all the time. – Such is God’s will! A religious person might think.

As a chaos magician the will in question is my own. More so than even in Thelema (Aleister Crowley’s paradigm), which introduced the famous “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law! Of course in Theleme your ‘true will’is not what you think it is, it is what a cosmic intelligence dictates it is. And so I believe Crowley is a man that was born Christian and themore he resisted and fought that Christianity, the more Christian he became. The difference between Crowley’s “True Will” and “God’s will”,is murky to say the least.

And this is one way how Chaos magic is ‘diabolical’ to other magical and religious paradigms, it deals with your human will, not God’s will, not a cosmic ‘True Will’. Now as a human, if you want to include God’s will, that’s up to you, everything is permitted where your will is concerned.

But that you work with a human will doesn’t clear things up as much as you might hope. I want a good job, I want to create comics, I want to be famous, I want a boyfriend..etc. But I don’t want a boyfriend that wants me because I’m famous or rich – maybe I’m not famous or rich yet because i’ve not met the right man? If I don’t get the good job is it because I need the time to create the comic? And so on – the possibilities for explaining why or how something did not work or only partially worked – are endless.

So why magic at all? Because it allows me  to feel I have a say in how my life turns out. And magic always works, what seems a set back invariably sets up that opportunity required to  to fulfill your will.

And Lao Tzu has the key to feeling discouraged or anxious – if you are discouraged you are living in the past, if you are anxious you are living in the future and if you are at peace, you live in the present.

 

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