What is a Reality Tunnel?


The term ‘reality tunnel’ comes from Timothy Leary, and was expounded upon by Robert Anton Wilson in many of his books, especially ‘Prometheus Rising’.

It is analogous to ‘confirmation bias’: the tendency to automatically search for, favor and recall information confirming that which you already believe, and automatically dismissing, ignoring or forgetting information that contradicts already existing beliefs.

A reality tunnel is like confirmation bias, but goes further. It’s not just a belief, but an entire model of reality that filters your every perception.

We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. – Anais Nin

Like confirmation bias, a reality tunnel, it’s easier to see in other people: politically we see the confirmation bias of viewers of FOX news very clearly, if we are liberal; it is very easy to understand Fundamentalist Christians that understand ‘Creationism is fact’ live through a ‘reality tunnel’ that is unlike that of someone that respects science and evidence of the fossil record and carbon dating.

What is harder to see, of course, is our own confirmation bias: I am liberal, but of course I am fair minded! I am an existentialist and respect materialist reality, that’s just reality, surely it’s not a ‘reality tunnel’!

And the sad truth is there is no freedom from reality tunnels or confirmation bias that is even possible. Zen practice and meditation may break the reality tunnel, with a focused less thoughtful frame of mind – but the result is a broader reality tunnel, not the absence of one. You may have broken the reality tunnels you personally were born into, most of us stop believing in Santa, many of us can appreciate the magical reality of Christianity and that of material science simultaneously, anyone that is LGBT must break free of anti gay reality models and find larger ones if they hope to find psychological health.

But the reality is that when you find yourself with the capacity to understand your perception of reality is not objective and it is all you got, and that more than one model of reality is possible – you now are NOT free. You simply have traded a limited reality model for a larger less limited model. As with confirmation bias – it’s not a function of your point of view – only that you HAVE ONE.

This is how Chaos magicians are ‘diabolical’ to some people, and how Chaos magic is post modern: it aggressively flows from a larger model of reality than Newtonian material science or fundamentalist religion. Paradigm Piracy, is a Chaos magic practice, used intentionally to break yourself free from accepting any model of reality too literally. If as a Paradigm Pirate you know you have successfully healed a person using prayer and faith in the Catholic tradition, but Also know you have done the same using Taoism or Reiki, you now know your model is not the territory!

And that scares people that ‘KNOW’ that their model is the territory – shitless! This is the secret meaning of the phrase: Nothing is true, Everything is permitted.

So what if you understand, because you know that you have experienced a reality tunnel, because it’s no longer your reality tunnel? So you now can appreciate what a reality tunnel is and can appreciate how more than one exists. What now? You now have a Larger model of what is real and own the subjectivity that is your only access to what is real. What’s next?

I myself don’t know. Surely there’s an even bigger model of reality, and I don’t see the blinders of my larger model – because it’s larger.

In the meantime, if you stand outside of the small and limiting reality tunnels, even if you still have blinders that you can’t see because your new reality tunnel is so large – if you can let go of needing your reality tunnel to be true – you have freedom choose or invent a reality tunnel that SERVES you! Choose FUN!

Here’s a model I’ve beep playing with, you may want to try on: reality hacking – Life is a GAME, YOU are the PLAYER, your game character is YOUR EGO, you choose the game! Play well!

As a reality tunnel this ‘reality hacking’ lets you choose the game and consider yourself a winner, and if the game is a loving relationship, being kind to as many people as possible or even getting as much money as possible – everyone gets to play to win at what is important to THEM!

Conceptualizing life as a game I find empowering, many of us are better at games than at life – our ego sabotages our life, fear of success, being uncomfortable in new roles and so forth.

But the player is not the EGO! And while psychologists and Buddhists can ‘realize this’ – you can jump start that realization by asserting the truth of it as your reality tunnel! And maybe this reality tunnel can stop your ego from stopping you! Just an idea!

I leave you with a comic I created long ago, that I may have shared on this website before. But it is relevant  to this conversation. I present PSYCHE VAMPYRES!


White Magic


So what is ‘White Magic’? White magic is ‘good’ magic, it is associated with a right hand path [power from GOD(s) and not yourself].

I am not a White Magician, but the exercise in this article is to give White magic a fair review. What is ‘good’ then?

As a Buddhist my general go to concept for good is ‘do no harm’. Non Buddhists may resort to the ‘Golden rule’ in one form or another – treat others as you would be treated (an ethic manifest before the comprehension of masochism I suppose).

Wicca, in its various flavors, commonly teaches a ‘law of threes’: that which you do magically or non magically, will come back to you three times. In my experience of life I see little evidence for this personally.

That ‘law of threes’ may have come from Occult groups that taught it to initiates to keep them controlled, understanding as the initiate grew in knowledge and competence they would outgrow that concept.

But many ‘white light’ Wiccans take the ‘Law of three’ as a concrete law of reality. And the paradox of course is that if you make an idea part of your identity – between your confirmation bias and ability to hack reality – you will make it true!

But that’s getting off track. What does it mean to be a ‘good magician’?

Here’s the good part. If you take being ‘good’ as critically important, it’s because you take the magic really seriously, like you would a gun. And this is fantastic for your power and intensity of belief!

And so you may only use your magic to heal people or help people, because that’s the good thing to do. Because your source of power requires ‘good’ for the magic to even work perhaps, depending on your paradigm.

What about helping yourself? Here, there’s a duality. Some consider self serving magic to be a no no. Others understand it as neutral or even good. The difference I suppose is the degree to which your magic is tied to the worship of God(s).

If you are channeling the power of God to do good works, you don’t do magic on your own behalf – you surrender to the will of God(s) instead – in this way ‘self serving’ magic is ‘evil’. Because magic for yourself belies doubt in God serving your best interests!

But is “GOOD” limited to helping others? What about improving yourself? As a Buddhist should I not use magic to realize enlightenment? As a Christian or Wiccan should you not use magic to elevate your consciousness to be more compassionate or ‘Christ-like’?

I did read some of a book on Tantra. And popularly Tantra is associated with sex with a prolonged orgasm that does not result in cumming. But that wasn’t what struck me when I read the book. It took a Buddhist concept of the essential emptiness of self (if you don’t follow, it’s okay) and uses that to suggest your emptiness is identical to that of Buddha’s and your sex partner’s emptiness is also the same as Buddha’s – so when having sex – you become Buddha making love to Buddha. Or in chaos magic language, you are invoking Buddha and using sex magic to engineer realization of enlightenment!

As a Christian especially, the notion of sex magic is too carnal to be ‘good’. Wiccans may enjoy richer duality on the matter.

As a Christian I would suggest you check you the article being linked now. On Christian magic!

What can a Christian (or comparable right hand path, Goddess, Krishna..etc) do to become more ‘Christ like’? Invocation is key, don’t just pray – invite the God/Goddess to come INTO YOU! And set your imagination free. When I invoke entities it’s like I see them and hear them – but in my mind, not with my eyes or ears. See if this is possible for you.

Catholics pray the rosary, this can actually be a powerful meditative practice. But the key is that you must keep your MIND on the mantra or chant, it it wavers, start again at bead #1.

The simple Zen mediation is one of sitting comfortably, back bolt upright, palms upward, left fingers in the palm of the right hand with thubs almost, but not touching. Breathe in such a way as your gut expands and retracts. And count your breaths on the exhale, fill your mind with the number of the count, as you count your exhaled breaths 1 to 10, but if you mind wanders! You must start again the count, from one. Good luck reaching breath number 3!

What benefits are there from meditation? Transformation! Literally actually, science confirms that meditation can physically alter your brain. Meditation introduces you to a self that is not your thoughts but rather is an observer of thought – and this is an experience of a self that is NOT your ego! Also, very important is that the simple returning to number one in your count when your mind does wander, and refocusing  – this is a proof of concept! Whenever you are being negative or hateful, you can ‘return to focus’, you need not dwell in the negativity.

The problem with White magic, isn’t the good, it’s the bad that often comes with the good. The judgment of others, the being self righteous, and the being intolerant of people with different values, or even simply different paradigms. The “law of threes” is absent in most magical paradigms!

Myself, I don’t consider myself Black, White or Grey. I have ethics, and I try to do no harm. But that leaves more possibilities than you might think. Would I cast a love spell on a closeted Gay person I don’t like? Yes! Because as painful as that experience could be for them, and as much as I may revel in their pain – however the victim deals with the situation – it is a LEARNING experience that will leave them wiser, and thereby I am doing no harm….?

And as Chaos magicians, we are often anathema to anyone too strongly attached to a truth or a ‘one right way’. It’s why there’s commonly contempt in Chaos magic circles for ‘fluffy’ White Light anything, and the contempt is mutual. A clash of paradigms more than ethics or even morals.

What is Sympathetic Magic?

a magic doll

A magic doll

What is sympathetic magic? I suppose a succinct explanation is that it is the magical power of PRETEND.

The most famous form of sympathetic magic may be the ‘VOODOO DOLL’, where you make a doll, pretend it represents your target, likely reinforce your pretending with a ‘psychic link’ (a physical thing that relates to the target, a strand of their hair, a fingernail clipping, a photo..etc) built into your doll. And now that you have a representation of your target, pretending that this is your target, you can manipulate the doll to heal or injure and it may IMPACT YOUR TARGET the same way!

The ‘Voodoo Doll’ is simply the most culturally ubiquitous form of sympathetic magic. The idea of sympathetic magic touches almost every other form of magic.

For example when masturbating to launch a sigil, not only does the orgasm deliver a powerful form of ‘gnosis’, the sex act is ALSO sympathetic magic to ‘give life’ to your desire! When creating a servitor, or thought form, with a sigil, giving ‘life’ is more explicit and the sympathetic magic of sex orgasm makes even more sense.

Magical Pretend is a very big category, it is a set that includes visualization, childlike play, and folk magic.

Visualization is confirmed to be as good or almost as good as actual practice in sports, this has been tested and confirmed with the rigors of scientific method. Turning the brain to thinking of doing a task seems to turn on the learning capacity of the brain as much as doing the task.

For purposes of magic, I’d suggest that the most magical part of yourself is atavistic, is is a more primal and stupider self, and often rudderless given a conscious mind sending it conflicting messages. Sympathetic magic is a way to give it a clear communication, as well as a LICENSE to do what it can do.

This reflects my paradigm, not the ‘truth’. The truth is that sympathetic magic is ubiquitous because it works!

And folk magic is where sympathetic magic can be overt, the Doctrine of Signatures itself is one application of sympathetic magic, Foot track magic, the colors of candles..etc – all are applications of sympathetic magic. And Folk magic is often a paradigm where people pay money for magical results and expect a return on that money. In that sense we see sympathetic magic tested and a proof of concept.

The Catholic doctrine of Transubstantiation, that the biscuit and wine taken at Eucharist literally becomes the body and blood of Christ once consumed – falls into a sympathetic magic category.

The play of children is also sympathetic magic. Playing with dolls representing the children you may raise, or dolls representing masculine or feminine ideals that you yourself might become. It is no accident that horror movies relate to children as fearsome and frightening. Children are natural magicians!

What is The Doctrine of Signatures?

The European Mandrake root resembles a Man!

The European Mandrake root resembles a Man!


The Doctrine of Signatures reflects the idea that an all powerful God created every plant and animal for MAN, and that man can determine the purpose of every plant, flower and root, by means of the shape, color, smell and taste of the plant, flower or root.

This is an old idea and seems to be an idea that is generated independently by every people and/or every Shaman. The herbal magic of middle ages grimoires belies this approach.

The famous European Mandrake Root – has lore suggesting its immense power, and happens to look a bit like a human being with 4 limbs and a head.

This is actually how herbal medicine got its jump start. The Doctrine of Signatures used to establish a best guess, and then, trial and error. After a while you figure out what works.

With regards to magic, because belief is so important and because the results, while real, are still interpreted – the causality of the herbs is far less black and white.

The herbs and magical associations I am most familiar with are those of Hoodoo, and my information is mostly from cat yronwode’s excellent book, Hoodoo Herb and Root Magic. Hoodoo is the African American folk magic, featuring strong American Indian and Pennsylvania Dutch, and Jewish influences.

In the Hoodoo Tradition, John the Conqueror root is highly esteemed for granting masculine power, sex appeal, dominance: the root has a look comparable to that of human balls.

Asafoeitida or ‘DEVIL’S DUNG’ – is a resin used in Indian cooking and called ‘hing’ – in its raw form is a stinking dark thing reeking of sulfur. In Hoodoo it is used to protect your from evil or do evil to people that have wronged you. In India, where it is cooked in oil and it then becomes like sweet onion in smell – it is thought to stimulate the brain. In old Europe it was thought to prevent illness.

Things that are naturally sweet are thought to ‘draw’ to you luck and love. Sweet smelling flowers, like roses, are used to draw love.

Pyrite, a mineral often mistook for gold – in hoodoo is believed to ‘draw’ gold and wealth, to you!

So you get the idea.

I remember reading the account of one Hoodoo Dr. online whose approach was to take a plant from their garden or that they found on their property, and sit with it. talk to it. And it will ‘tell you’ about itself and how it can be powerful for you. Now this will not work for just anyone, you have to take on believing the plant has a spiritual nature and that it will communicate with you, that it wants to prove how useful it can be. Play with those ideas, set your imagination free and you too may get a message from the plant, flower or root.

That’s likely the best way.

I found when using cinnamon, established as a wealth and luck drawing spice in hoodoo, I really had to imagine the cinnamon had a spirit, and intend the cinnamon to influence those that ate it (often in oatmeal). THEN it would have an impact, I’d be repaid a loan something as nice.

Help KitschChaos.com rank better for ‘Chaos Magic’ in search engines!



Search engines are now ranking websites higher for given searches, based on the link you click in the search engine, and the amount of time you spend on that link.

What this means is that there are new ‘crowd search’ services that accept your money in exchange for a ‘crowd’ to click your link for a given search term. And people with commerce sites will spend money on ‘crowd search’ to get their site ranking better.

This website is me, sharing what I know about Chaos magic and business, freely. And honestly, this site ranks very poorly in search engines. Over 95% of visits to this website are from bookmarks and direct links from email or Facebook. People aren’t coming to this site from search engines for the most part. And this is a problem. Because the content in this site is really more valuable to people unaware of it, and those people will find this site online – but are not likely to given the link to this site may be buried on the 14th page of search results.

So I am asking readers for a FAVOR. Search for ‘chaos magic’ in your favorite search engine, find the link to KitschChaos.com, click it and spend a few minutes reading an article or a blog post or two. This will help this site rank better, and if we can get this site on the first page of results, people that can benefit from the content on this site – will FIND IT.

I’m not paying strangers to do this, I can’t afford to. People reading this post probably like this site overall, and if you agree more people should read stuff like I write – take the trouble to find my site through a search engine, searching for ‘chaos magic’. That is a powerful way to help this site rank better organically!

thank you for your support!

What is Chaos Magic?


Austin Osman Spare, in a ‘ChaoStar’


Chaos magic is a post modern Occult, or magical, paradigm. The principle concepts come from a collaboration between the writings of Austin Osman Spare and Peter Carrol, specifically  in Peter Carrol’s books, Liber Null and Psychonaut.

Chaos magicians use ‘belief’ as a tool, on the understanding that it is the belief in other magical paradigms that is the engine of their success. Such that a formula: Belief + ‘gnosis’ + desire = result, is promoted by Peter Carrol and accepted by most Chaos magicians. The ‘gnosis’ in this sense refers to the magician’s state of consciousness, one wherein the conscious mind is absent, such as in trance, sexual orgasm, exhaustion or ‘being in the zone’ when playing a sport or video game.

In practice Chaos magicians may seem like ‘eclectic magicians’, borrowing magical ideas from a variety of sources and paradigms, and developing a system that is personal and perhaps unique, corresponding to what they personally find easiest to believe or found they had the most success with. It is in this way chaos magic is ‘chaotic’. Chaos magicians tend to focus on the result, the result being the one thing that can be verified.

The writing of Robert Anton Wilson, in such books as Quantum Psychology, establishes the idea that people live their life interpreting the world through a ‘reality tunnel’. For example a Zealous Christian might go through life understanding God or Satan is behind all they experience in life, whereas a materialist Scientist might go through life understanding everything they experience correlates with scientific principles that are understood  or perhaps yet to be resolved. Some Chaos magicians build upon this concept with a practice of ‘paradigm piracy’.

Paradigm Piracy, this would be a practice of adopting say, Roman Catholicism, as a belief and practice, and working with it until you too can have success with faith healing – and THEN switching to something entirely different, Taoist magic perhaps, and working with THAT until you have what you consider to be ‘success’ and then moving on to something else….

Chaos Magic has little magical technique unique to itself, but it is strongly associated with Sigil Magic and secondarily with Servitors. Sigil magic is a brainchild of Austin Osman Spare and is a simple and brilliant technique that often involves masturbation, leading to some dismissing chaos magicians as people ‘wanking over doodles’. The Servitor technique borrows from the TULPA concept originating in Tibetan Buddhism, and is comparable the the ‘invisible friend’ some people have as children, albeit ‘weaponized’ and given ‘powers’.

Google hummingbird and question and answer SEO bonus

Okay, I’ll start doing some question and answer posts. Makes it easier to repurpose blog posts, and hey, the new Google ‘hummingbird’ algorithm is updated to favor answers to questions in voice assisted apps like SIRI, Google Now and Cortana.

It’s really not complicated, especially if you have a blog. Title your post or page with the question and answer it properly. That page will rise in google rankings! Because good answers to serious questions are valuable!

New Years magics!

New Years Magics!

Beans are of awesome good luck for the New Year!

Black eye peas for LUCK, Collard Greens for MONEY and pork for HEALTH is a traditional recipe for a lucky New Year! Delicious too!
If you are vegan or vegetarian, replace the smoke and fat of the pork with tempeh bacon or smoked tofu, chipolte peppers are also smoked if you don’t mind heat – and use olive oil or coconut oil to replace the fat.

For seasonings I suggest salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper, cumin, garlic and ginger. I would also add some chopped onion because it’s good.

For the New Years toast, I suggest everyone write a new years wish, a big important one, and make a sigil of it. If unfamiliar with sigils – reword the wish to be as concise as possible.

Draw the sigil or write the sentence on a piece of rice paper (a common base for rolling papers), and at the stroke of midnight – swallow the paper and wash it down with Goldschlager cinnamon schnapps!

Goldschlager is a clear clean tasting cinnamon schnapps, with real gold flakes in it. It’s almost as if it were a prosperity elixir created by a Hoodoo Doctor, give that cinnamon is ‘spiritually’ associated with wealth (its history includes a time where cinnamon was so rare and valuable as to be the basis of value for a currency!) as is real gold spiritually associated with wealth, and ‘sweet’ being something that draws love, luck and money.

ALSO, Mojo Wishing Beans! These are fava beans, a particularly large bean and distinctly with a lore of being a ‘wishing bean’: 3 beans per person. Write a wish or sigil on each bean, and on your way home or first thing after New Years – toss the three beans into a stream of running water (or onto the ice of what otherwise would be such a stream). Your wishes will come true!


Photo on 12-29-15 at 4.36 PM

Black Magic

blackmagic‘Black Magic’, to this Chaos Warlock, is kind of silly. And that’s because I’m no longer Christian perhaps, and the Zen Buddhism doesn’t deal in Good or Evil – just compassion.

There are modern Satanists, as Satanists the ‘Black Magic’ comes with the label. I myself, credit Anton Szandor LaVey’s Satanic Bible with my first successes and  for selling me on a psychological magical paradigm. I progressed to Zen, Hoodoo and Chaos Magic. For others, LaVey is a primary instruction in a magical left hand path that expands beyond him.

I could generalize that ‘Black magic’ is magic that either uses suffering or death to produce power, or generally is a magic meant to produce suffering and/or death. The Irony of course is the magic this definition  of ‘Black magic’ describes is none other than Christianity! (salvation thanks to the suffering and death of your Savior).

From a fluffy white light space ‘Black magic’ can be the category of magic meant to impact specific people in specific ways. Because it interferes with their will, hypothetically.

I avoid the magic on people by focusing on what I want instead. That person I know may not be what I want after all, so allows for a better result.

But is Chaos Magic a left hand path? and the answer of course : “Would you like it to be?”

Now the one thing working with Satan or Cthulhu gives you that, say working with Santa Claus, does not give you – is a taste of TABOO! And this fuels belief and delivers results!

So yes, Nudity, blood, sex – all those elements are taboo to varying degrees, incorporate this in your magic and see if your results become more certain!

Yes killing animals is taboo… but not fun unless for food, animals are better living. Sex orgasm is so awesomely powerful in magic – it blows everything else out of the water. So if you feel you need more power, choose sex and more than enough power becomes available.

What about DEMONOLOGY? that’s Black magic! And here your concept of what a demon is, will determine your experience. If you conceptualize that the ‘demon’ is a recycled pagan God, you may have a great deal of fun with that. If Christian conditioning has wired you too strong, it may be that demons represent ‘ick!’ in various respects or something even less fun.

I had the invocation like experience with Solomon, giving me a reformed approach to ‘demonology’, where you pray to God for an entity to solve a problem, and you receive a name and sigil the next morning. Confirm the name and sigil with divination, tarot perhaps. if it seems promising: you now have an invitation to work with an entity, the entity is the best for what you want (business success, stop global warming, get Bernie Sanders elected). No need to threaten these guys with old testament. just share your result with the sigil and the name, online, or with 9 other people – if they help you realize what you want. That’s what they want.

Feel free to be as elaborate and traditional as you care to be when summoning. But that may not be necessary – because ‘God’ already handled introductions so to speak. It may be perfectly safe to just call the entitie’s name and invite them over as a guest. That said, my Solomon did specify using a circle of protection – non standard only in the sense that it contains words of power in your language that you understand, that are meaningful to you.

My Solomon was of the opinion that grimoires list demons that belong to the author’s consciousness, and the demons that were right for that author are maybe less right for you. Though I must admit there’s a kind of Pokemon fun in ‘gotta get them all’, and trying to evoke every demon listed in the Goetia or another grimoire. To the extent these entities have been around for centuries, they may be empowered by their use by magicians in way that a new entity given to you by ‘God’ is not.

So to summarize: Black magic is defined by dualistic paradigms like Christianity.

It is ‘left hand path’, as in ‘using your own power’, also an insult to the Christian God by placing yourself over HIM!  There are exceptions, for example Satanists that actually WORSHIP Satan, theirs is a right hand path like Christianity, but ‘Black Magic’ because it’s the wrong deity.

If you aren’t trying to hurt people or bend them to your will magically, which should never by necessary if you are focusing on what you want, you still get to be a ‘Black magician’ if you deal in demons or simply want to pretend to be a ‘Black magician’.

What works and makes Black magic powerful is taboo, taboo brings up your atavastic primal intelligence and its more magical than you! So stuff like Blood and semen and nudity is magically powerful. Working with a taboo entity like SATAN, even if just as metaphor, triggers emotions and belies belief. It need not be Satan, others have worked with Set, Loki or Cthulhu to a comparable effect.

When it comes to working with entities, servitors that you create yourself can be pretty damn powerful and may be all you need. And if you do choose to evoke something you have not created yourself, read up on others experiences of that entity to get an idea of what to expect.

And be clear about what you want to manifest in your life.

Masculinity and the Gay Chaos Magician.

Photo on 10-26-15 at 3.30 PMGrowing up gay for me. I wasn’t really a butch boy, I was always an art kid, a smart ass, but not really feminine.

I was drawn to Barbie dolls, not because I wanted to dress them or anything – because my action figures had explicit bolts in their movable limbs, and Barbie has a fake skin so the bolts are not visible. I wasn’t allowed to play with them much, I likely would have taken a knife to that fake skin, looking for the bolts. But I generally was jealous that my action figures didn’t merit the same attention to detail.

I did play with the EZ bake oven more than my female cousin a year older than me. I lived with that cousin when raised by my maternal grandmother from age 4 to 6 or 7 – I liked to make stuff – usually gross, like sugared breakfast cereals and egg – cooked by light-bulb.

I didn’t do sports, I really wanted to – but because I was so small and young looking I wasn’t selected for sports teams and I never developed sport skill sets. I took to skateboarding, later I found some aptitude at gymnastics.

It was around age 11 I figured out what ‘Faggot’ MEANT, and that I was a faggot. I came the realize the intense feelings I would have for some of my friends, were actually the same stuff my friends were feeling for girls.

And it was at this time I intentionally became self aware that I wasn’t perfectly masculine, and began trying to be more masculine and I developed a great fear of rejection should anyone ‘find out’. I did have a feminine flair for fashion a little , and I squashed that – but for the most part it was anxiety over a femininity that was subtle if it existed at all.

I made it through my teen years by playing at being asexual, which people in high school did ask me about, but were heterosexist enough to never imagine I am gay.

It took me till I was 23 to come out. And I did, and to my family first. I’ll not go into detail. But it was a huge deal, I was prepared to be rejected by everyone and that didn’t happen. The believing everyone in your life will reject you – that’s a common subjective reality for the closeted gay person and is WHY it’s a big deal, any gay person coming out.

After I came out, I realized I no longer needed to try to be more masculine than I am. And this introduced a rather deep question: AM i masculine?

Because I was severely conditioned by the stereotype that gay = effeminate, and I believed if I am gay I MUST be effeminate and the only reason I’m NOT effeminate is because I tried so hard NOT to be for the years I was closeted.

And this belief in a true self that isn’t the ego I’d developed already, put me in a year long existential crisis, an intense thing with weird mental effects. I lost the ability to read for a week or so – not because I forgot anything – but because I became keenly aware of the arbitrariness of letter shapes and the sounds words are meant to elicit. Like how if you repeat a word over and over and over it loses all meaning – but that process becoming instantaneous and for EVERY WORD, Every letter….

I resolved the conundrum and ended the crisis, not with the truth, but with an answer that was ‘true enough’: I do not exist at all – everything I am is made up.

And this has profoundly shaped my thinking and my life – it prepared me for the writing of DT Suzuki about Zen Buddhism, and Robert Anton Wilson’s ‘reality tunnels’, it made chaos magic’s emphasis on belief as a tool, simple and easy to grasp. It allowed me be the person I want to be, that as long as who I am is self actualized – knowing that I have a say in WHAT I actualize. Granted, my ideas of what ‘cool’ is are no less socially conditioned, but I’ve made them mine and I own them and indeed, I am them.

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